On Tuesday, Nora began Kindergarten. I'm not somebody who thinks the world is a terrible place; rather, I think the world, while often tragic, is also full of beauty and goodness. This is Nora's first exciting step into that world. I can't wait until she learns some of the things I have learned. I can't wait to hear what she thinks about things, what she makes of the unending possibilities of the world, what she paints on the canvas of her life. I can't wait until she begins to dream big dreams. (Dreams that don't just involve princesses.)
Still, there are some scary things out there and I have always found meaning in being her protector. When she cried as a baby, I would hold her tight and sing to her. I would love that moment when I could feel her calm down. It was as if I had made her feel safe and secure. It was as if, as I held her close, she could feel love being transmitted through my arms. She would be upset, and I would make the world right again; she would be scared or hurt, and I would bring peace.
My big fear is that now I won't be able to do that. Is she ready to start learning about the world on her own, without me always acting as a protective shield? Will other children be mean to her, call her names, make fun of her clothes, appearance, or anything else that children find cause to ridicule? Can she really be the same girl that, just yesterday it seems, was a little two-year-old in pig tails chasing fire flies? Can she have grown this old this fast? Have I done everything I could to prepare her to start living in the world? Will she lose her vivacious spirit? Will she have friends who will bring out the best in her?
I don't have answers to any of these questions. But as I saw her little body get on that big bus, I felt again that raw mixture of emotion that is peculiar to being a Dad -- a mixture of pride, worry, inadequacy, and of course, immeasurable love. Good luck Nora. Don't forget that your Dad will always be there for you.
4 comments:
amen
During Dan's entire first year in Kindergarten and part of his year of first grade, I constantly worried about him being somewhere that I couldn't protect him.
Eventually I got over that, but I still look at him and wonder what he'll do with his life, and I hope that he'll do more with his than I've done with mine.
Sam is a very different bundle of worries.
Another beautiful post. Thank you.
Love the shoes Nora! Pink, shiny ballet flats-Always in style!
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